Finance with Don Fraser Fraser Farm Finance

Last month I talked about the truth. Now let’s talk about better listening skills.

Effective listening is an acquired skill. It takes effort and a lot of learning, focus and change of attitude.

When you are talking to some people they are entirely focused on when they can butt in and start talking about what is on their mind. They have completely disconnected from what you are saying and are conjuring up their own story.

Give people a few drinks and they will listen even less and talk more and louder; and I eventually exercise myself and wander off, because I am no longer part of their conversation. Do you do that to others? Not listen and just can’t wait to tell your story? Do not do it!

I was a poor listener and had to  up-skill. It took effort, time and a  bit of practice.

Sit up straight

We need to do more listening than talking. Most successful people I know are the ones who do just that – listen instead of talking.

So here’s six points that may help you.

Firstly, sit up straight, lean forward slightly and listen to their every word. Really engage with the person talking, make eye contact. Remember it’s their story.

Secondly, don’t interrupt them. Many people struggle to get their words together and their story out. If there is a third party butting in, ask them nicely to be quiet. It is amazing how many spouses speak over or for their partners.  

Thirdly, make affirmative noises like nodding ‘okay’, ‘interesting,’ ‘how did that make you feel?’, ‘Can you explain that again?’ ‘I am struggling to understand your story’, and so on.  This really encourages them to go on because they are not being interrupted and they realise someone is finally really listening, like really listening.

Holding back

Forthly, realise they are probably only telling you 20 per cent of what is really going on for them. In other words they are holding back on an incredible 80 per cent. Armed with this knowledge you can then ask questions gently, to get the whole story later.

Fifthly, expect to actively listen for about 20 minutes. For a new ‘listener’ this can seem like eternity, but listen and remain silent you must. Interrupt their flow of thoughts and you have breached their outpouring and lost their confidence in you.

I know when I was heavily involved in finance people would hold my car door open, they would start talking and about 20 minutes later they would finally run of steam. In that time I had their life story, but not all the detail I needed. I would then, and only then, go back and seek out the bits that were missed. American psychiatrist Karl Menniger thinks that listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward.

When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.

Sixthly, expect them to heave a huge sigh of relief and physically relax after telling their story uninterrupted. The tension goes out of their body and you can see them settling down. Most people are not good listeners. It is an art-form. Don’t let your own thoughts interfere with the experience. If you do start ‘thinking’ you will instantly forget the thrust of their story. Additionally, you will have great trouble remembering what they actually said.  We need the courage to let go our own thoughts and effectively listen.

Help with stress

Armed with this knowledge, would effective listening and seeking out some of the 80 per cent not told help those with stress, anxiety and suicidal build-up? I know it does. After a long effective listen, I will often ask if they are depressed or on medication. And then there is another story. They feel safe to talk about their anxiety and issues and appear physically relieved once the next part of their story is told. Effective listening could probably help a depressed person feel better and even talk about their suicidal thoughts. Just verbalising those terminal thoughts in a safe environment must release the pressure and help them immensely.

Finally, effective listening may just be the catalyst we need to reduce anxiety, stress and suicide, which is on the increase in this crazy society.

According to the Dalai Lama: “When you talk you are only repeating what you already know, but if you listen, you may learn something new”.

Disclaimer – These are the opinions of Don Fraser of Fraser Farm Finance. Any decisions made should not be based on this article alone and appropriate professional assistance should be sought.  

Don Fraser is principal of Fraser Farm Finance and a consultant to the farming industry.

Contact him on 0800 777 675 or 021 777 675. A disclosure document is available on request.